Heartless bitch or confused little girl?

So I'm sitting here at my desk wondering which I am, a heartless bitch or just a confused little girl. YOu see my problem started shortly after my divorce when I met a new guy and began a pretty intense relationship, one that for the past 2 years has had MANY ups and downs.

Many ups and downs that I probably am the 100% cause of. YOu see, although I did get a divorce, my ex husband and I continued a sexual relationship. Hell, we were together for so long and he honestly was the first man to ever give me an orgasm!!!! How could I let that go? Especially when the new guy I met hadn't quite figured me out ya know.

Anyhow, back to my problem. You see, at first, my ex and I would hang out when me and my new guy weren't. No big deal, my new guy and I weren't commited yet, but eventually we decided to keep things between us.

Well, deciding to do that and actually doing that was a bit hard for me. I've come to realize that I NEED a man in my life, all the time. So, when my boyfriend and I hit some of our rocky times, I would resort to contacting my ex. Then a week or so later, my new guy and I would make up and I kick my ex to the curb. This became an almost monthly cycle and has gone on for 2 years now. Although it did recently blow up in my face after the two of them exchanged their stories with one another, I feel like a million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. You would not imagine the number of lies I told in a 24 month period! It was so bad I couldn't even remember what the truth actually was at times! I'm horrible, I know.

I've since cut ties with my ex and luckily am working on restoring things with my boyfriend, but am struggling with why I did what I did and how I was capable of it. Am alone in this love triangle mess or are there others out there dealing with similiar situations? Both of them have called me a heartless bitch, but I beleive I'm just confused, just don't know what I'm confused about...................